Everybody Loves Oily Haired Gits
by moneymakestheworldgoround
Summary: Snape pairings. Set in Marauders era. Its pretty funny. A bit disturbing though.


**I was reading an InuYasha fanfic about Naraku and pairings and stuff (it's called _Everybody Loves a Villain_ and it's by _Star Rhapsody_) because my bestie, Fancy Flippers showed it to me, and then she and I were discussing and we thought it'd be cool to do one of Snape!!!!!!!!!!! HAHA! So here it is!!!!!!!! WOOT!!!!!!!!! This is set in the Marauders period, probably around when Snape was in 6th or 7th year.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, as much as I would like to. :(**

**Everybody Loves Oily Haired Gits**

**Snape and Lily**

He knew when he was in love. She was the One. Her lovely hair, her beautiful eyes … it would be like a romantic fairytale, with him as the hero and dear Lily as a fair princess … rather like that absurd Mudblood story. Something like _Beauty and the Beast_.

Never mind that she was a Mudblood. He was a half-blood himself … even though no one knew it. She excelled in magic and had the looks and body: that was what_ really_ mattered.

Of course, until that _Potter_ showed up … now she was taken. How he hated Potter.

-

**Snape and Sirius**

True, he was Potter's right-hand man, but when you got over the fact, you could appreciate how _delicious_ he looked.

After all, practically everyone chased after Black … why was he an exception?

And there was also the fact Black came from a pure-blood family … one of the very best, actually. And he had the_ sexiest _smile too!

Honestly, it was such a shame when Black decided hexing him was a good idea after he bravely proposed the fact that they become a couple. And he thought approaching him with courage was the best idea too, with Black as a Gryffindor! Funny how some minds work …

-

**Snape and Remus**

Well, if he couldn't have the sexiest man in the school, he'd settle for Black's werewolf friend, since Pettigrew was a definite no. After all, wolves _are_ dominant …

Not to mention, there was just something so appealing about Lupin. Perhaps it was the fact he was mature and actually used his brains.

True, they did start off badly, so writing a letter seemed like a good idea.

_Dear Remmy,_

_I know when we met, we started off badly because I said you were a stupid Mudblood … plus there's the fact that I overreacted when I found out you were a werewolf. But I'm sorry, and I want to tell you I love you … very much._

_Love,_

_Sevvy_

_PS. When can we be official? _

Only that didn't have the effect he hoped because the very next day, he was pushed off the astronomy tower.

-

**Snape and Lucius**

After recovering from his wounds, he took a turn in life. Why was he attracted to measly Gryffindors? That was when he saw Lucius.

He couldn't believe he never saw it before. That long, soft, silky, blonde hair …

And his family was even richer and powerful than the Blacks! Why, if he couldn't have Black, he'd have Lucius!

Only thing was when he tried to hit on the beauty, he'd gotten the receiving end of a _crucio_.

Maybe it wasn't that good an idea.

-

**Snape and Narcissa**

Funny thing, genes. It seemed all Blacks had great beauty. She was no exception. Only thing was, she was that Malfoy's girlfriend, and if the rumours were right, soon-to-be-fiancé.

Well, he would squish them!

Unfortunately that night after she'd finally given in, she'd given him a look like he was something disgusting, and had said, "Lucius is better in bed than you."

And that was that. Well, that was if you didn't count what she said afterwards: "There is also the fact that you are ten times uglier than darling Lucius." And then she'd left. It was only the next day when he realised she'd left her bra. He kept it.

-

**Snape and James**

Perhaps he was wrong about making Slytherins his first preference. Once you got pass the fact that Potter was his enemy, he _was_ rather likeable.

But when he tried approaching Potter, all he got as an answer was a kick in the groin.

-

**Snape and McGonagall**

What? So? Is it illegal to get turned on by old women? He thought she was quite flattered too when she caught him staring at her. It was probably only the law that stopped her from kissing him.

-

**Snape and Dobby**

…

All he needed to do was mention he knew Lucius and the elf was under his spell.

**-**

**WTF!?!?!? I know, I know!! DOBBY!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!! I was like, so stuck. I didn't want to copy _Star Rhapsody_ entirely and write _Snape and Snape: _**times were getting desperate **because that would be so copying a fantastic idea and then I realized. Dobby! What a weird twist! How wrong! So yeah. Lol … **

**- Joey**


End file.
